i think im starting to get it now. im starting to get what is it you want from me.

ok ure gonna get what you want.

i can smell grass. some fresh fresh fresh grass. i think its just my rabbits' poo. HAHAHA. i wanna go out. im claustrophobic. i cant seem to take my mind off you. even when i sleep i dream of you lah. FUKIN SCARY. really. ure haunting my dreams. brrr. hahaha. act cute. oh well. we're friends. nothing else. -gives innocent smile-

im sucha brat. (:

oh and i love my hubby. URE THE BEST! i'll see you there. maybe not. hahaha.

im cracking under the stress. going abit nuts. i hate nuts. they taste awful. ooh but cashews and pistachios are heavenly. such sinful indulgence. nuts make you FAT. cb :D my mom cant take pistachios. her ears will start to itch. hahahah. i shouldnt be laughing but its funny. hahahah. oh oh oh!! and i looove eating groundnuts and clipping the shells to my ears. hahaha. those were the days...

wait. why the hell am i talkng about nuts. toldja im nutty.
and i still smell that fresh grass.

i dont seem to be making any sense to myself these few days. my thoughts and words arent the same. in fact theyre total opposites. so people, please dont believe anyth i say. hahaha.

you know what im saying
you know what i mean.

but you dont know what i want.
i dont know what i want.

baby's right. someday im just gonna go crazy. hahaha.

im beginning to feel tired. when will this game stop?

false hope perhaps. cos i know that day will never come.


I WANNA SEE YOU NOW.
-stamps foot, pouts- basically just do the brat-routine. you know what i mean. :D

dont know what im doing here. just feel like blabbing. blablabla. its been WHAT? more than two hours. hahahah its ok. i will wait. cos i said i would. my eyes hurt. i guess the fan's too strong. or perhaps im sleepy. BAH. one hour of splashing in the sea with the strong wind. i think ive caught a cold. cos im shivering now. will hunt for my jacket. but the weird thing is. ive got a little sunburnt. woohoo. im red. THERE! put on my jacket. feel better. i wanna sleep ): where are you. WHERE?? and i think im becoming paralysed ! my damn right foot still hurts from that tumbling-down-staircase day which was like on the 10th of may. centuries ago but it still hurts. its ok. i love wheelchairs.

ive got nth else to say. stupid screen. ure hurting my eyes lah. OH YES. me and baby happened to "drop by" our dearest's profile and had a good time bitching about her. omfg. i so needed an oxygen mask!? our miss queen of originality has just proved how Levi's she is. impresso. fuck to you. and her pictures are my eyecandies. walking nightmare please. fugly bitch. get yourself a mirror. you need a reality check or sth? NICE PEARLIES YOU GOT THERE. baby and i had a good time OGLING at those eyelashes and butt that shes goddamn proud of. oooh. HAWT.

ooh, i ended up bitching about a babe. sue me please.

and i never knew i was someone you were ashamed of. BAH. im soo testing my patience now. ticktock its gonna be twelve. I MISS THAT PREGNANT WOMAN. wooots. five days of her. what could be better. picnic tmr anyone? venue: CLASS time: FIRST-LAST PERIOD.

FUCKED.


where are those fucking sticks when you fucking need some.
and if i could id drink now till i drop dead drunk. DROWN OUT EVERYTHING. IM SICK OF MY LIFE. yes i think i am.

my neck's going against me. my foot's going against me. I SWEAR IM GONNA SAW THEM OFF. i hate irritating love songs. CLICHE LIKE FUCK. stop singing about 'forever' and 'loving you till the end of time' and how 'badly you're missing somebody'. do you even know what the fuck youre singing. LOVE DOESNT EXIST OK. so stop belting out some dumb EVERYTHS-PERFECT-WHEN-URE-IN-LOVE song. its nauseating. FUCK TO YOU.

its so obvious its not me. if i still dont know it by now, i should just go hang myself. take a step away from me and i'll take ten steps away too. cos i cant read the signs. i dont know where this is going. all i know is, it has never been me. and its never gonna be either. so you dont have to scream at me to back off. i'l leave. when ive learnt how to.

;letting go of a person uve just learnt to care for
;reminiscing the good times u shared together
;trying to hide what u really feel

;giving up someone u never thought of giving
up
;trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall
from ur
eyes
;caring too much

;having the right love at the wrong time

;taking the risk to fall in love again
;thinking of that someone every waking and sleeping
moment
knowing all the while that the person never even
thinks a
single thought of you.

;trying to let go, because everytime you see
the person, you only fall deeper

;holding back only to find out when it's too late,
you both felt the same way,
but were only scared to lose each other
so much that you didn't let the feelings out

;falling in love with someone you didnt mean to fall in love with


;helping the one you like court your friend
;seeing the one you like crying for someone else

;having to hear "... I've met someone"
agreeing to his\her wish to "just be friends"

asking u to "forget that everything happened"
and be "normal friends" again

;hearing that ure treated as a good buddy.

;sharing his\her future plans for the girl\guy with you
;fighting for that one thing that would make you happy that is, holding on to a person who cannot guarantee you his commitment unless
he\she fixes himself. then, you are left hanging for the moment.

;then he\she says, time will tell...

pretending you're ok when inside you're
dying.
pretending to be strong. and
recognizing your weaknesses.

;lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have.
;being with someone you can't actually love.


;having the courage to say I LIKE YOU to the
person you like
and finding out afterwards
that things will never be the same again
when he\she doesnt treat you with the same
closeness as before


;having to face the fact that someone is
capable of completely destroying the wall that you
have built around yourself,
leaving you weak and vulnerable


;the hardest thing about love - believing that it
exists.

push pull push pull push pull push pull push pull. IVE HAD ENOUGH. sometimes when you accuse someone of doing sth, youre actually unaware that youre the one whos actually doing it.

and yes, i will not regret making this choice. even if it means that i'l get nothing out of it. and i refuse to admit it. but that question is burning inside. i think im gonna go sleep. fuk, im so so so running away from my problems AGAIN.



my heads hurting so badly i think im gonna die.

its so difficult. i think ure by far the most difficult one. i used to see it as a challenge. now i see it as something that i cant overcome. im losing my confidence. maybe you think i dont even have it in the first place. but no, im tired. im gonna stop asking myself questions. im gonna stop asking myself what, why, how, when. numbed. very numbed. perhaps its not sucha bad thing. when i think of the third-world people. i realise this is nothing much.

X was dumb enough to play such games. so was Y. X feels fucked now. X doesnt know whats wrong with Y. X wonders what Y is thinking. and whether Y really doesnt want to have anything to do with Z. X wishes all these never started. X doesnt know what to feel. maybe X should just ignore everything. Y is probably thinking about Z anyway.

A fragile heart was broken before
I don't think it could endure another pain
But there's a voice from deep inside of you
That's calling out to make you realize

That this new bond gives inspiration
To all who feel no love appeal no more
So how can I break this wall around you
That's aiding both our hearts to grow in pain

So forget your past, and we can dream tomorrow
Save our hearts for card and lovin too
It's hard I know, but oh
One thing for sure
Don't go and break this fragile heart

A hurting mind in need of emotion
I don't think I could endure another pain
But baby in you, I've found affection
Affection I have never felt before

So don't let your past destroy what comes tomorrow
Don't go and break my fragile heart

With all this fire that burns between us
There's so much to lose
Yet so much more to gain
And if I could, choose the world around me
The world I'd choose would all revolve around you
So help me complete the game inside me
And help to mend my fragile heart




how can ANYONE compose sucha song? omgoddess.

It's the way she fills my senses
It's the perfume that she wears
I feel I'm losing my defences
To the colour of her hair

And every little piece of her is right
Just thinking about her
Takes me through the night

[Chorus]
Every time we meet
The picture is complete
Every time we touch
The feeling is too much
She's all I ever need
To fall in love again
I knew it from the very start

She's the puzzle of my heart

It's the way she's always smiling
That makes me think she never cries
I feel I'm losing my defences
To the colour of her eyes

And every little piece of her is right

[Chorus]

Like a miracle she's meant to be
She became the light inside of me
And I can feel her like a memory
From long... ago

[Chorus]

Every time we meet
The picture is complete
Every time we touch
The feeling is too much

Every time we meet
The picture is complete
Every time we touch
The feeling is too much
She's all I ever need
To fall in love again
I knew it from the very start
She's the puzzle of my heart





perfect song.

if only things could be like this forever, i think i'd be the happiest girl on earth. but sadly, nothing lasts forever. and this, is definitely too perfect to be true. good night.

everyths gg wrong again.

and you know what? i think im getting used to it.
or at least, im learning to.

i mean. WHATS THE POINT?

in this world its just you and yourself. you come alone you die alone. so YEAH. fuck everything else.

hi blog. hahaha. ya, dont even ask. i dont know why im back here again.

shes sleeping already. and im gonna pray for her to have the sweetest dreams ever. because she deserves them. hey what about me? whos gonna pray for me to have sweet dreams? hahaha. its ok. i dont need a sweet dream tonight. though it wouldnt hurt to have one. ive already had sweet dreams earlier in the afternoon when i slept. BINGO! youve got it right blog. for once youre smart. i dreamt of the fantasticfour. thats why its sweet. i miss them so badly.

wait a min, why am i talking to you. hahaha. im weird arent i? you know someth. im soo blogging for the sake of it. hahaha. im making full use of the internet ok.

its the way you complain.
its the way you laugh.
its the way you sigh.
its the way you whisper.
its the way you tease.
its the way you whine.
its the way you sing.
its the way you act when you cant have your way.
its the way you beg.
its the way you care.
its the way you stammer.

its just the way you are.

good night. im sleepy. which is weird. since i slept the whole day. maybe its just because i wanna meet you in my dreams. HAHAHA. corny! bye internet, bye blog. hello bed. (:

bye blog. BYE. hahaha. not gonna see you for at least five days. fuk. wheres a credit card when you need one? oh well. ive had enough of you. and enough of myself. you look soo depressing i feel that its my duty to post depressing stuffs. hahaha! see lah, all because of you.

but i still love you ok. you channel my depression away. hahaha. well, not exactly.

today was spent sleeping too. im turning into an invalid. hahaha. i love hahahas. who invented them anyway.

and i love my prev post. im suchan ass. i should have just combined two posts together. rather than separate them. after all its on the same day. TSK. im dumb.

i think i feel better. its all in the mind isnt it? but it was good while it lasted. seriously, isolating yourself from the world isnt as bad as you think it is. but isolating myself from you WAS BAD.

bla, sunshine after the rain? i dont think so. the clouds have only moved away for awhile. i wonder when will it rain again. nono, this is wrong. dont think of whats gonna happen tomorrow. dont think of what happened yesterday. just think of whats happening now. YAY! hahaha. im so enlightened please.

heres a joke for you baby. about soccer :D

why dont caterpillars play soccer?
-because by the time they get their boots on, the match would be over.

LAUGH? hahaha. cmon, quite funny right? hahaha

+!
3>lvw
noh
sv
+sv=l
sv
hvp
hw
>lv3Jq
noh



and vice versa.

and as i read your october 05' posts, i see myself in you. especially the one above october 26th. then i feel confused. if its me that i see in you, that means youve gone through this before. and if youve gone through this before, why cant you understand how i feel?

no, wait a minute. youre not supposed to understand. because im too complicated arent i?

honestly, did you even TRY?

now im onto your november 05' posts. and what the hell is happening? i still see myself in you. its crazy the way God plays His tricks on us. youre ME and you dont realise it. hahaha. im hating every minute of this shit. so fuck it. im tired. so tired.

lets take a break from life. if only we could live and die in a continuous cycle. like this, i'd jump out of my window now. and lie on the cold concrete pavement with the blood flowing from my head, staining my clothes. and then slowly my world will be engulfed in darkness. WOW. what a temptation.

then when ive had enough of feeling lonely and bla, then i can come back to life. and live like a normal person. omg omg omg. why arent we created this way? why must we die and be gone forever? i guess thats God's way of putting us to the test- whether we're willing to forgo everything in our lives and leave this world for eternal bliss, rid ourselves of suffering, numb all our emotions etc. honestly, its sucha temptation. hahaha.

sometimes i dont understand the way my brain functions. i think im suffering from some mental disorder.
.smraruoyotninurannawtnoditeyyldabosuoyssimi
.yawaemhsuplluoydiarfatsujmiknihti
BYE BLOG. i hate you.

and after losing control of my emotions for a day, i was really exhausted. slept from 11-8pm. had dinner. slept from 10-5am. my dad thought i was taking drugs in my room. because i was practically locking myself in the whole day. hahaha. my dads sucha cutie please. was contemplating betw going and staying in s'pore till the last possible minute. decided to go. firstly, so that my mom will not worry so much. secondly, i felt that going away from singapore would help make things better. and i think it helped. a little.

met up with the whole gang. when i saw darren i immediately poured out my heart. ok not exactly poured. but, tipped. HAHAHA. so he told me this 'look behind, its singapore. where are all your problems? in singapore!' cute isnt he? hahaha.

enjoyed my redbulls, my beers and the bon jovi songs. it was so YOU. then God started playing tricks on me and made me spot this 'been there done that' poster. wow, that hit me real hard. hahaha. and to make things even worse, my dad was wearing a perfume similar to yours. HAHAHA. it was hell. HELL.

parents knew i was down. dad tried to cheer me up by going shopping with me. and tried to make a joke out of the 'sedih' business. i love you daddy. OMG. daddys girl. (:

wanted to take five with darren. but didnt have the chance to cos i went to bed very early. wasnt in the mood to play around with baby cousins. oh oh oh! i discovered my artistic streak. HAHAHA. i had a great time drawing on the fogged up mirrors in the bathroom. that was fun! (: my mom almost had a fit though. and my aunts are dragging me to a talk by a psychiatrist next sunday. guess whats the topic? HAHAHAHA. Depression. actually they didnt drag. i volunteered to go. i'l talk more about whether the speaker's hot or not next week ok?

overall the trip was great but i didnt feel great. as expected. hope i didnt ruin it for any one of you. i love you guys ok. and i love my daddy for being so cute. hahaha. and you know what? redbull's quite addictive after all.


just like that, 12th May DIED. sigh. the fantastic four's dead too. hahaha. oh shut up please. im making myself sick. so sick. i think i need that psychiatrist now.

i wish i didnt type that post yesterday.
i voiced out my fears and those fears came true.

its scary how you can read my mind.
i decided to address the issue then you actually already had a problem with the issue.
scary isnt it?

'it hurts. it hurts so so so badly that the word isnt even 'hurt' anymore. ' how true can this sentence be? thanks to that someone who can relate to me. appreciate it.

perhaps that person's right. it hurts so much it doesnt hurt anymore. im going through hell. i dont know if you are. if you are, youre certainly not showing it. oh well, my day was a mess. it revolved a lot around crying. hahaha.

and that someone said my hahahas were all so forced out. really? try laughing when youre going through what i am going through.

and its only been A DAY. god, i act like ive been isolated from you for a few years. well, it sure feels that way. replaying those words in my mind only brings a fresh round of tears. i wonder when my tears will actually be used up. hahaha.

after DAY ONE of isolation, i came to the conclusion that i have NO selfdisciplne and NO selfcontrol. oh yes, and i know what i want. or at least, i THINK i know what i want.

je veux tu.

because i know that its hell when i dont have you.
life has certainly lost its meaning.



and the way those grey eyes stare back at my tear-filled ones. you seem so far away. perhaps you are.
grey2.jpg
OWCH.




i know you know we've had some good times
but now they have their own hiding place.




THURS 11TH MAY 2006 ; DAY ONE OF HELL.

in the end i had my way. you gave in to me.
you're just making me get even more entangled in this crazy thing
called
BLA. (:

went to school feeling happy today.
happy because i replayed the conversation we had.
i replayed, and replayed and replayed.
and i got happier, happier and happier.
i know, it was nothing special.
but to me, it meant everything.

and my old fucking self returned for a moment.
i started getting scared.
i started feeling insecure.
i started worrying.

i realised i was afraid to lose you.
its very strange hearing me say this.
after all its only been a short while.
and perhaps you might think 'my heart is playing tricks'
that, you gotta communicate with my heart to find out
cos i dont know.

i guess i was afraid that such feelings wont last.
i was afraid yours would disappear as fast as it came.
IM NOT DOUBTING YOU. or your capacity to care for someone.
cos i know you are capable of making a big difference in someone's life

i think you just made a difference in mine.
big or small, it doesnt matter
what matters is whether i'll be able to cope with this difference.

'letting it rest' is not that easy after all.
im sorry.
i cant help but think about whats gonna happen. and whats not.

im sucha fool. an immature brat who's not ready, and never gonna be ready. can you wait? no dont answer me, i think i already have your answer.

and this is so not meant to be revealed.
but when you're in your drunken stupor, nothing matters
you just wanna come clean.
and i just did.

MY INSANITY'S GETTING OUT OF HAND. somebody slap me.



WED 10TH MAY 2006 , BEFORE I DIED

you mean well, you want the best for me.
but its a torture.

a real torture.
and you know i cant sleep when i dont hear you.
but it has never been about me right?

so why the hell am i complaining?
i should shut up. ok.

and that image can never be erased.
it didnt hurt.
it didnt sting.

it just...
left a deep impression.
TUES 9TH MAY 2006

shes special
indeed she is.

simple words which touched my heart so deeply i thought i would die.

shes very sweet.
but its not just about words.
its just her.
its the way she shows her care and concern
like no one ever has before.

its the way she makes you feel so important
the way she makes you feel loved.

but at the same time, she doesnt give you too much of it.
so she actually leaves you asking for more.
but you know too much of it will spoil everything
so youre willing to wait and wait and wait
for that special moment when she decides to be sweet.

then suddenly you feel everything around you freezes.
nothing else matters.
you just feel on top of the world.
a feeling that not many people can make you feel

and it only makes you fall deeper and harder.
but i need to exert some self-control
i dont want to scare her.
but i think i already did

anyhow,
IM HAPPY. thanks for that reassurance. i promise i'll never doubt you until the day i hear it from your lips that youre letting go. sorry for disappointing you and upsetting you. YOU KNOW IM SORRY. HUGS,


i love the fantasticfour. i'd die without them. they complete me. all three of you have the ability to make me happy. and you know it. especially you.

Sitting here wasted and wounded
At this old piano
Trying hard to capture
The moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
Is still lodged in my head
And some blonde gave me nightmares
I think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
They won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
Its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
What you mean to me
And the truth is baby you're all that I need

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
Baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died

Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonite I won't be alone
But you know that don't
Mean I'm not lonely I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

my brains cant seem to work today. screwed up both my papers. i felt like i was taking drugs. and the words were swimming in front of me. but your words. 'at least try'. it helped. and try i did. but an effortless one. im sorry.

yes i think im right for once. there is a barrier thats coming up between us. and i goddamn made it worse by openly declaring that something. now we even have to communicate with each other through a blog. its sad, really. so sad.

painfully obvious that we're both trying to forget what happened last night. painfully obvious how much you're trying to act like you dont know anything. yes, painfully obvious. but what can i say?

i acted like i found my happiness today. i acted. life's an act isnt it? so they think im happy. maybe i really am. when im in my world full of lies. lies that make me happy. in my world where i deny the truths that hurt. in my world where i make myself happy by thinking of whats never gonna happen. then suddenly i come crashing back to earth. suddenly i realise everythings not that perfect after all.

how much longer do i have to go on lying to myself? isnt there a day where i can actually feel happy when i think of the reality? no, there wont be sucha day. stop lying to yourself, bitch. i love bitches, i love myself.

and im sorry. i ruined everything. everything in one split second. with just two words. two simple words. 'its you'. i shouldnt have. i SHOULDNT.



but it really IS you.

its 0553am now. ive not slept for the whole night. and im feeling exhausted now. emotionally rather than physically. ive admitted sth that i never thought i would have admitted. i dont really know how im feeling. im actually feeling cold. very cold. wait, am i even supposed to feel warm in the first place? no i dont think so. i guess i was right about the outcome. i just ended up feeling colder than i was before. im so convinced that we're all alone in this world.

its a huge thing for me, really. i got it out. but whats my purpose? i dont know what i want. i dont see the point, i dont this i dont that. screw myself. whats wrong with me? my brains feel sticky.

i dont know how much of this i can take. why is it so easy for you to fall asleep? why is it that your lines seemed so rehearsed? do i really really mean sth? or is it just 'another girl' for you? fuck, i really dont know. dont try to enlighten me. i cant take anymore of this.

sleepless nights spent fighting with my inner self. re-reading the messages, once twice or even thrice just to feel the warmth again and again. do you even know it? no, and you never will. cos im just 'another girl'.

its foolish i know. really. but everyones a fool in love. you gotta admit that. somehow i feel im widening the gap between us? now the pretence is really obvious. or perhaps its just me. if knowing this will actually change things between us, i hell do not want you to know anything. i only have myself to blame. fuck myself for relenting and telling you the things ive been keeping to myself. im naive to think it'l make me feel better. cos its not. im feeling worse. worse than i ever felt.

i so need to hug you. will it be cold? yes, i think it will be. it will still be cold. it has always been cold. no, i wont know. ive not touched you before. its not surprising. since i was fighting so hard to push you away. and now you wont come back.

fuck blog, its 0610. im having a paper soon. this is driving me crazy. i hate pretending im alright. i hate acting like im ok. i hate smiling to conceal my troubles. i hate it. and now im going through it again. somebody please shoot me.

IM HAPPY :D

*When a GIRL is quiet,Millions of things are running in her mind.
*When a GIRL is not arguing,She is thinking deeply.
*When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full ofquestions,She is wondering how long you will bearound.
*When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after afewseconds,She is not at all fine.
*When a GIRL stares at you,She is wondering why you are lying.
*When a GIRL lays on your chest,She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
*When a GIRL calls you everyday,She is seeking for your attention.
*When a GIRL wants to see youeveryday,She wants to be pampered.
*When a GIRL sms's u everyday,She wants you to reply at least once.
*When a GIRL says I love you,She means it.
*When a GIRL says that she can't livewithout you,She has made up her mind that you areherfuture.
*When a GIRL says "i miss you",No one in this world can miss you morethan that.



a pity some people just cant read the signs. mm, i wonder what happened to the [ when a GUY ] part.

-----------------MARCH--------------------
Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate, Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.


i love such stuffs! they make me happy. although theyre a bunch of lies. hahah. but theres at least SOME truth right? hahah! im happy, really (:

i dont believe in writing a chunk of words to bring across one simple message. if its simple, put it across simply.


I MISS YOU.


and i hate myself for that. i shouldnt, i cant, i will not. i tried browsing through websites, but you appeared in my mind. i tried moving away from the laptop, you were still on my mind. i felt screwed, i picked up the phone and selected [write message] then before i could type anything i pressed the [red key] and threw my phone under my pillow. then i sat down. tried not to think. thought of blogging, and yeah, i shall. it doesnt make me feel better in any way though.

do you know what its like? when youre thinking of someone you shouldnt be thinking of? when youre feeling what you shouldnt be feeling? when youre so damn aware that what youre doing is oh-so wrong? but even so, i still feel the same. although i know its wrong. whatever, im sorry i cant be perfect.


im going out soon. to idontknowwhere. i just need to get out of this house and breath fresh air. perhaps that will help to clear my head and wake me up from this thing that i dont seem to want to wake up from. i shall still go on hoping against hopes that i would receive something, anything. from you. at least i know im not going mad. at least i know its not just me. at least i wont be that afraid. because now im really afraid im starting to fall for you. and i dont want that to happen. i will not fall for you. i will not.

i hate the way my heart stops beating when i receive a message. im painfully aware of the fact that im HOPING that its from you. and then i start getting disappointed when its not. THIS PAIN IS SO SELF-INFLICTED.

FUCK MY HEART. i shall not listen to it. im going out blog. otherwise i'l just go mad if i continue sitting in front of the laptop waiting. aimlessly. BYE!

this is gonna be some random shit. its exactly what im thinking. and its messy, really messy.

the hardest thing is to listen to someone you care for talk about the person she cares for.
and that person is not you.
but i guess feelings need not necessarily be reciprocated.
it would be so unreal.

ive run out of words.
i feel mute.
i wish i was mute.

its not easy helping a depressed person when ure in depression.
but im not complaining.
maybe i am.
because it hurts.
it hurts because ure hurt.

and i can just stand by the side and do nothing about it?
FUCK.
i hate this.
i wish there was sth i could do but im all too aware that theres nth.
uve gotta realise things urself and get over it.

but i know even then, i'l never be able to take a step closer to your heart.
cos uve blocked out everything.

but its not wrong to hope right?
so i'l just hope that someday i'l be that someone who can, and will enter your life.
cos i know im not in it. at least not at this moment.
not at all.
even though it might seem like i am.

BAH. screw this shit.

i can just go on like this forever. cos theres sucha burning desire to pour out my heart here. but
NO! hahaha

i love this therapy. yes, therapy.

a new me, a new you. what could be better.
lets start afresh shall we?
do away with those faggots.
theyre messing up my life.
im messing up my life.

and just when i thought you brought meaning to everyth.
thought.

im changed. and ure not? shut up love,
its no longer about you. move over.

i hate you for making me fall for you.
i fell, HARD. fuck off bitch. dont offer your hand.
i DONT NEED YOU. anymore.

i think.